Why I Do What I Do. Why I Chose the Career I Chose.
I realize choosing to be a model is not the typical job one would seek after. Contrary to popular belief, it is not as glamorous as one would think, nor is it the most convenient career in order to balance a relationship, friendships, a personal life, or have much of any predictable schedule. There are many pros too, believe me! We will save that for another time.
I used to be in a place where I was in a place where I was silently crying for help, no one to hear my voice. When I opened my mouth, nothing came out. My ego took over and I couldn’t let people know I was hurting. What if this counselor knows someone my parents work with and they tell everyone how messed up I am? My egotistical, perfectionist nature could not let others know I was hurting - Hurting through the hard time of my parents almost divorcing, through thinking I wasn’t skinny enough, through hurting because I took what girls at school said too personally, hurting because even if there was someone who cared about me, I was so scared to let them know the weird, nerdy, deep, emotional nature of me that I would push them away in an instant. I punished and rewarded myself through food, all to repeat itself in a cyclical, way. I used food and prescription drugs to excuse the way I was feeling. I really did need them at the time - I would have mental breakdowns before going to school on a normal basis. “My paper isn’t perfect enough, my hair doesn’t look good enough, I wore the wrong shoes with this top…”
I wish so badly I could go back seven years and SHAKE me, snap myself out of it - NONE of these things actually matter. Please please take it from someone who was in the worst, most miserable place, but appeared to everyone else like she was perfect on the outside. I remember showing up to school one day back in middle school and a friend called me “Barbie.” I literally was trying to be Barbie instead of being Emily. God gave you your mind and body with every intention of you being you! Barbie is Barbie, and there is a difference in admiring someone, versus trying to become every component of another human. You will start to notice how others pick up on how content and vibrant you are from focusing on being you.